Mars retrograde in Leo: It’s clobberin’ time!
21 December 2009 7 Comments
I am finding it really interesting that Mars retrograde doesn’t necessary mean that the Martian anger turns inward or goes away. Perhaps it is the Leonine need for self-expression, planetary retrograde or not. I’m glad to note that other pro-astrologers have pointed this out: for example, astrobarry writes about waking up ‘enraged’, and Julie Demboski writes that:
For everyone, the retrograde will bring forward issues of the ‘I am,’ particularly in terms of where we ’shine’ in the life. We will examine our own personal effectiveness, especially in how our Beingness serves (or fails) to bring us attention and interaction in the world. We’ll be acutely aware that we’re on stage in our own lives; the retrograde will make us ask, ‘Who’s the star of the play?’
Maybe because Mars is now in retrograde squaring my natal Chiron in Aries (Mars-ruled), and trine my Ascendant, and the anger is triggered by the Chirotic wound to the self, but as much as I try to be reasonable (see previous post), sometimes the universe keeps throwing you curve balls until the situation gets an appropriate response. And sometimes, that appropriate response might be an angry one.
I wrote in the last post about acknowledging the news about Mr Ex’s remarriage with congratulations instead of calling his bluff that he had been a stinking weasel by trying to initiate intimate contact with me in the past year without telling me about his recent nuptials. Too kind, you say? Forgive me, I have natal Mars in Cancer in the 7th house, anger comes out in wonky ways for me. So over the years I’ve tried, with varying degrees of consciousness, explosion, directness, passive aggression, silence, bland neutrality, all producing varying degrees of guilt, satisfaction, remorse, confusion (yes, yes, I shall keep going to therapy). I think I may be on to short, sharp strikes next.
In response to my congratulatory note, which I thought was passive-aggressively semi-sarcastic designed to prompt some self-recognition, if not guilt, Mr Ex replied:
Thanks. I hope this time I would be able to make it work. I really have to thank you for helping and giving me the courage to walk away from the last one.
The sick fuck. It was about seven years ago (yes, one Saturn cycle), but I still remember distinctly that ‘helping and giving [him] the courage to walk away from the last one’ consisted of me crying a lot and asking him to grow some balls (forgive the language, I’m entitled to my anger!). Yes, I was technically the other woman, and no, I’m not proud of it, though they were at the time already separated and if my memory serves me correctly, it was she that plucked up the courage to walk away from him. Smart woman.
Why am I angry today and not yesterday? Yesterday, the neglect on his part to tell me the truth was just sad. Today, the wilful self-deception, via the changing of the narrative (i.e. crazy-making behaviour), deeply offends me. I accept human weakness, even lies; I don’t accept being made an accomplice to someone else’s lies, especially when that complicity is having to be achieved by destroying my self-identity in order to boost theirs.
I’m not remotely interested in getting back together or even being friends — it’s true, I may never live down the stupid affair, but I like to think I’ve grown from it. I think I’ve tried to protect his dignity by being fairly civil, until it dawned on me, he’s never once considered mine. So I wrote back, short and sharp, with the facts and an insult or two thrown in for good measure.
As I am cursed with Neptune opposite Mercury, he may never hear the substance of my words and choose to hear something else, but that cannot be my problem. What he chooses to hear and what I need to say are two different things. (Neith recently tweeted a very helpful post by Donna Cunningham on how to set healthy boundaries. Original post here.)