16 June 2009 6 Comments
I have been weepy all week.
There. I’ve come out and said it. Ordinarily, I’d wait to process the pain before confessing to it, my Capricorn moon preferring to hide in the basement until it passes, but I have been bolstered by the courage of those like the inimitable Lucy Looking Upward to bear their souls and share mine.
Put it down to the yod in my chart, the Hades Moon, the current Pluto transits, or the once-in-a-lifetime Jupiter-Neptune-Chiron conjunction (personally, I prefer Lucy’s more colourful ‘Clusterfuck of Doom’), it doesn’t really matter. In reality, it’s probably all the above exerting tremendous pressure on my 7th house Venus in Cancer.
We are reminded constantly of the message behind this rare triple conjunction: wounding, awareness, healing, and so on. Personally, I wouldn’t mind the occasional dose of Neptunian anaesthesia from time to time. I know I’m supposed to take lessons from it, I know I am being asked to re-assess what I value, I just wish it didn’t have to feel like a botched bikini wax, metaphorically speaking.
Like many (from the blogs I’m reading and the people I’m speaking to), this process of readjustment seems to play itself out in relationships, or perhaps it is in close and intimate relationships where the pain of readjustment is felt at its most acute.
I am, or was, involved with someone who is experiencing this triple conjunction right between his natal Chiron and Moon, which are about 4 degrees apart. Ouch. I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone. While I watch from the sidelines in sympathy, I am also aware I have to get out of the way, because his shadowboxing these past months has left me bruised emotionally, and physically drained. I can work with someone working through their pain, but only if they’re honest with themselves, not when I am randomly blamed, erased, or rejected, because they don’t want to face their own fears. My sticking around won’t be good for either of us.
Separation would be much easier if he didn’t periodically send what I call ‘feeler’ emails — inconsequential emails with Youtube links or jokes, void of any real communication. In the past, I have sometimes responded and we get back together, only to have his panic set him off again and declare that there is ‘nothing’ between us. I am a Gemini and enjoy a great deal of independence and flexibility but such random alterations of reality make for unsustainable relationships, romantic or otherwise.
I wonder, though, at my weepy-ness. I seem to tear up randomly several times a day, the stoic Cap moon being unable to let go and cry in a big gush. Crying is cathartic, but for some of us, it takes a catalyst to bring on the tears — I find movies help, ones about nostalgia work best. I found myself re-watching an old Studio Ghibli film from 1991 called Only Yesterday and the tears just flowed in hot splashes.
So odd that I cannot experience the pain of loss without intellectualising it, but we all have our ways of coping. Previous articles from favourite blogs help, too. I am reminded by an old article of Pat Paquette’s that the pain of a lost relationship is, in fact, ‘the pain of separation, and it is not even just a human experience. It is the expression of universal energies — energies that get separated and desperately want to come back together again.’
Of course, it could just be my hayfever symptoms acting up.
Image: Nine of Swords, Rider-Waite tarot deck.