Melancholy baby

swords09 I have been weepy all week.

There. I’ve come out and said it. Ordinarily, I’d wait to process the pain before confessing to it, my Capricorn moon preferring to hide in the basement until it passes, but I have been bolstered by the courage of those like the inimitable Lucy Looking Upward to bear their souls and share mine.

Put it down to the yod in my chart, the Hades Moon, the current Pluto transits, or the once-in-a-lifetime Jupiter-Neptune-Chiron conjunction (personally, I prefer Lucy’s more colourful ‘Clusterfuck of Doom’), it doesn’t really matter. In reality, it’s probably all the above exerting tremendous pressure on my 7th house Venus in Cancer.

We are reminded constantly of the message behind this rare triple conjunction: wounding, awareness, healing, and so on. Personally, I wouldn’t mind the occasional dose of Neptunian anaesthesia from time to time. I know I’m supposed to take lessons from it, I know I am being asked to re-assess what I value, I just wish it didn’t have to feel like a botched bikini wax, metaphorically speaking.

Like many (from the blogs I’m reading and the people I’m speaking to), this process of readjustment seems to play itself out in relationships, or perhaps it is in close and intimate relationships where the pain of readjustment is felt at its most acute.

I am, or was, involved with someone who is experiencing this triple conjunction right between his natal Chiron and Moon, which are about 4 degrees apart. Ouch. I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone. While I watch from the sidelines in sympathy, I am also aware I have to get out of the way, because his shadowboxing these past months has left me bruised emotionally, and physically drained. I can work with someone working through their pain, but only if they’re honest with themselves, not when I am randomly blamed, erased, or rejected, because they don’t want to face their own fears. My sticking around won’t be good for either of us.

Separation would be much easier if he didn’t periodically send what I call ‘feeler’ emails — inconsequential emails with Youtube links or jokes, void of any real communication. In the past, I have sometimes responded and we get back together, only to have his panic set him off again and declare that there is ‘nothing’ between us. I am a Gemini and enjoy a great deal of independence and flexibility but such random alterations of reality make for unsustainable relationships, romantic or otherwise.

I wonder, though, at my weepy-ness. I seem to tear up randomly several times a day, the stoic Cap moon being unable to let go and cry in a big gush. Crying is cathartic, but for some of us, it takes a catalyst to bring on the tears — I find movies help, ones about nostalgia work best. I found myself re-watching an old Studio Ghibli film from 1991 called Only Yesterday and the tears just flowed in hot splashes.

So odd that I cannot experience the pain of loss without intellectualising it, but we all have our ways of coping. Previous articles from favourite blogs help, too. I am reminded by an old article of Pat Paquette’s that the pain of a lost relationship is, in fact, ‘the pain of separation, and it is not even just a human experience. It is the expression of universal energies — energies that get separated and desperately want to come back together again.’

Of course, it could just be my hayfever symptoms acting up.

Image: Nine of Swords, Rider-Waite tarot deck.


6 Responses to Melancholy baby

  1. nray says:

    Here’s a big hug, Cap Moon, from a Scorpio Moon. I’ve been trying to write about Venus-Neptune contacts and listening to music and just crying: for everyone I know who has a bruised heart.

  2. lucywatchthesky says:

    I’m glad you felt brave enough to write about what’s actually going on. It’s definitely not as easy during the whole Clusterfuck of Doom (thank you for the reference, by the way!), even for Gemini people.

    It sounds like this guy has a lot of stuff to deal with that he’s probably seriously not ready for, but unfortunately the Clusterfuck of Doom is saying, “Tough, I’M ready.” And with your Venus in Cancer in the 7th, I can totally understand why you would feel compelled to want to support him or be there for him, but I think you’ve hit it right on the head- every time it starts to get too close, he can’t handle it. If he were at home in his own emotional space, he could be a more engaged partner. Whatever he’s going through right now is best dealt with alone, so he can evolve. You, my dear, are evolved enough that you could totally find someone who made that step a long time ago and is ready to actually be with you without any passive-aggressive or alienating behavior.

    In the meantime, just hang in there- and there is nothing wrong with crying.

  3. hitchhiker72 says:

    Hey both, thank you so much for the kind support! I’m feeling much better. This, too, as they say, shall pass.

  4. Syd says:


    Congrats on the courage to address this issues. I ´ve started to study astrology myself. I just found out that I have a saggitarius moon that has suffered like hell with a conjunction to pluto for around 10 years (and I just realized it´s still on!) so I just know what you have been through.

    Keep going. You will suffer but you won´t die (Hades Moon talking…).


  5. Taís says:

    Dear person,

    I’ve came to your blog randomly and couldn’t help relating to this post. I am also a Gemini with Capricorn Moon, and I’ve lost a love recently too. We’re very alike, your writing talked right to my core and I even felt some burning shy dry tears on the eyes sides.

    Thank you so much, it helped me a lot.

  6. hitchhiker72 says:

    Thanks for stopping by. It’s always good to know that some of this is helping someone.

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