17 September 2007
I have no planets in fixed signs in my chart; only cardinal and mutable. Fortunately, I have enough Saturnian and Capricornian aspects and elements usually to insist that I finish what I start. But having Sun and Saturn in a mutable sign also means that I am sometimes apt to change the mind I thought I had made up. A predominance of mutable signs in a chart lends itself to increased flexibility and adaptability, for which I am mostly grateful. However, the same tendency also lends itself to uncertainty. There is such a thing as too much flexibility.
I am generally of the belief that one meets the people one meets in life to learn the lessons one needs to learn. Lately, I have been so often persuaded by an acquaintance of mine — let’s call her, the Valkyrie — that my moral compass actually wavered. That it can waver at all scares me, but that it did, even for a brief moment, is a clarion call to renew the pact with my soul.
As I have mentioned before, I am owed about four months’ pay by my place of work which is now irretrievable. The Valkyrie, in her genuine desire to help, devised a scheme in which I could recoup some of the money in the form of false claims — a case of screwing the system since it screwed me. I never went through with it. She had prepared the documents on my behalf and left them for me to put into action, which I never did. The documents still sit in a sealed envelope on a shelf in my office. I left it there as a reminder for how close I came to being persuaded.
More recently, I have been in search of a new job. The Valkyrie, who is just starting one herself, encouraged me to lie during one interview, not just exaggerate achievements I had actually accomplished, but to make stuff up — false figures, fake commendations — insisting that ‘they would never check’. I went to the interview, fully intending to reject her advice, but I cannot claim that the lies I didn’t plan to tell didn’t also crawl up my throat and lie there waiting to be drawn out by my ego desires. ‘It’ll be worth it,’ she said. I’d get the job and be out of the place I want to be out of and no one would be the wiser. Except me, of course.
The last suggestion by this woman, who for all intents and purposes does seem to have my well-being at heart, was so preposterous, I am driven to writing this post to purge it from my system. She offered, as a way of remaining resident in this land that is foreign to me, the solution of getting married to a citizen. That’s not the preposterous bit. The real shock lay in the offer of entering into a civil partnership with her, should a heterosexual marriage not be available. We were cheered on by another well-meaning acquaintance. That is all I need, isn’t it? Having to explain to the people I care about of this uncharacteristic insanity.
Do I avoid this woman, though? I don’t, because my mutable heart and mind tells me, ‘maybe I’m being too hard on her’, and that maybe I need to be tougher on myself. Does one avoid being polluted by leaving the pollution? Surely, but the pollution remains. Or does one remain and try to transform it within oneself, as advanced by tonglen practice? I am not so naive as to want to change this person, but I don’t want to run away from her either. Running away doesn’t do a thing for me (hail, Saturn) and what I need to learn for myself within this lifetime.
I sometimes use the tarot for quick and pithy advice on what I need to be aware of in certain instances. For this particular encounter, I drew the Devil card. The message is loud and clear. Freedom does not come from fleeing the bonds that bind us but from their eventual dissolution. The real strength of the mutable signs, I am beginning to appreciate, is the deftness with which they allow us to change course before we crash into a dead end. In that regard, I am glad the lies I never told stayed in my throat. It is one way of being aware of one’s own limits, and thus, seek to transcend them.