24 April 2006 2 Comments
Here I am blogging in bed again. It’s nearly 5 a.m. and my mind is refusing to calm down. It’s jumping about in my head like a monkey with a fire to its rear end. This bout of insomnia, which I haven’t encountered in a while, is the twin to my reluctance to get out of bed in the mornings. The feeling is one I’ve had before. It’s not so much the inability to sleep as the unwillingness to, and just sheer recalcitrance and defiance at ‘doing the right thing’. If I can’t sleep at night, I can’t be blamed for not being able to wake up in the mornings.
I happen to be lucky enough not to have fixed hours at work and my only early day this week is on Friday morning. I’m dreading Friday, and dreading the weekend (1 May deadline looming). I’m burnt out, sure, but this wilful sleep deprivation exacerbates the situation, and reinforces my fears of under-performing. If I know what’s happening in my head, why do I feel so powerless to stop it? For the astrologically inclined, I have Saturn conjunct Sun in the 6th House: fear of under-performance at work (and beating myself up about it) is in my psychic DNA. But just because we’re programmed doesn’t mean we have to hum the tune.
So here I am. Blogging. At 5 in the morning.
In a moment of whimsy, I googled ‘sleep reluctance’. Is it coincidence or design that the phenomenon seems to be associated with small children? Sometimes, I think I stay awake because I fear my dreams, but better not open that can of worms … at least not tonight.